Chelsea handler wild west boxing club2/11/2024 ![]() ![]() So we’ve already won! Let’s get this show started.’ This past year, you’ve entertained us, you’ve moved us, enlightened us, and for the first time, congress is more dysfunctional than Hollywood.’ ‘Anyhoo, it’s an honor to be here tonight to help all of you celebrate the brilliant results of your hard work, your talent, and your dedication. And I would like to say, as a Jewish woman, so what if they do? Who cares? The French run bakeries, Italians run the mafia, and Swedish people run IKEA. ‘There’s been some solid Jewish fare for this award season, we had the Fabelmans, and the Fleishmans, and that giant bagel in “Everything everywhere all at once.” We’ve all heard a lot of nonsense recently about Jews running Hollywood. So instead, I look forward to playing Betty Ford at the after party.’ ‘Michelle Pfeiffer is nominated for “The First Lady,” where she played Betty Ford. Just a bunch of innocent women and gay men who wanted to spend a couple of extra weekends a year in Puerto Vallarta, then had to spend their shifts duct-taping right-wing whack-jobs to their seats.’ Because of what they’ve had to put up with for the past three years. ‘Kaley Cuoco is nominated for “The Flight Attendant.” Special shout out to flight attendants everywhere. ‘Of course, everybody’s talking about “White Lotus.” Who knew Italian sex workers would have such a big year? Well, I guess all of you did.’ They showed us how grueling and hellish and absolutely miserable working in the restaurant industry can be, and they didn’t even have to wait on James Corden.’ And look, the cast of “The Bear” is here. Which is something I’ve fantasized about doing for years but could never get any of my siblings on board. It’s about four sisters plotting to kill their brother-in-law. ‘One of my favorite shows, “Bad sisters,” is nominated. ![]() ‘Niecy Nash-Betts is nominated for “Dahmer.” “Dahmer” became the third highest-viewed show on Netflix with a combined watch time of 1 billion hours, which apparently is the same amount of time we’re going to have to listen to prince Harry talk about his frostbitten penis. “Women Talking” is a powerful movie, but a warning to men: Women will definitely be talking.’ But, I guess it all worked out because they’re both up for best picture. ‘It was a breakout year for queer cinema, with movies like “Bros,” “Fire island,” “Top gun: Maverick.” Of course one of the biggest movies this year was “Avatar: The Way of Water.” I don’t want to say that studios treat male and female directors differently, but James Cameron was given a budget of $350 million and Sarah Polley had to film “Women Talking” in a barn. And she didn’t even have to host her own daytime talk show.’ In Tar, Cate portrayed an “Iconic lesbian” after playing a conductor whose professional career is upended by her toxic behavior. Cate, as far as I’m concerned, you should win an Oscar every year just for being alive. Like when celebrities say they lost weight by drinking water, but really it’s because everyone’s on Ozempic. And for those of you who don’t know, gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that your own perceptions of reality are wrong. The word “Gaslighting” was actually Merriam-Webster’s word of the year. ‘Julia Roberts is here tonight! Yeah, she’s nominated for playing Martha Mitchell in “Gaslit.” Yes. ‘As part of Viola’s training for the film, she was given a DNA test to determine the best workout regimen for her genetic make-up, which also revealed that she’s Nick Cannon’s daughter.’ You were so bada** in this movie after it ended, I wanted you to kick my a**.’ Oh, yeah! Viola, I cannot get enough of you. “The Woman King” was a huge hit at the box office. ‘This show is an opportunity for critics to celebrate some of the world’s most talented storytellers and performers. At least someone still has a choice, unless they’re a female critic, then it depends on what state they live in.’ I’m just happy to be here tonight supporting the critics’ right to choose. ![]() ‘Between covid, monkeypox, the Don’t Worry Darling press tour, it’s been a lot. ![]()
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